There have been moments in my life where I have been sad, even tired, and exhausted. But weariness is something completely different. At the start of the year when our team was praying for a word, mine was “weary.” When I saw this word it almost felt wrong to claim this over my life and the year. I wasn't sure if this was something I should rebuke or claim.
Well, I did neither, and now that I’m very close to the end of the year I see that God was giving me a warning of weariness and I am so grateful for that. Because of this warning, I went on a quest to read the entire bible this year. During the shutdown and lockdowns, I dove deep into God’s word reading and listening to podcasts. I was determined to see God and hear him audibly. I was also at the same time desperate for change. The year 2019 I had become comfortable with how my life was and with this new year I was becoming restless. With friends around me starting their careers I was becoming hopeful God would show me mine. Sometime in May, I became very close to a new job and the week of I prayed “God I need to hear your voice on this.” And as I was walking to the director's office to put my two weeks in I audibly heard God say “No.”
Obediently I continued where I was, wondering when my next step was. I was in this very uncomfortable mid-step. A pause. I was pretty sad about this but I knew that what God wanted for me was beyond good. His way was going to be so much better than mine.
But when? Waiting is hard. The waiting is where the weariness started.
Weariness- extreme tired or fatigue, reluctance to see or experience any more of something
I had become reluctant to experience my life. I don’t think I have ever been in a darker place than those moments. I was tired of my life!
One day at work, a woman came to me and said, “Mia, God told me that you are in a season of joy.”
What? Absolutely not. Why would he tell you that? And she gave me this verse
“Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalms 30:5
Okay… After that, I read this verse to myself every morning. I still worshiped and led worship with a very weary heart and I felt it was important I do that. I can't just worship and pretend everything is fine I have to be real. I can’t tell others to worship in every season of their life and not worship through mine. But. Worshiping was hard. Every time I worshiped with my heart's condition I cried. Worship basically became where I just sat at his feet and cried. Sometimes his feet looked like the piano and most of the time it was under the covers of my bed.
I reached out to the people around me and told them to pray for me. I was in a season of weariness. I felt like I was telling people “help I am drowning” and I'm standing in 2 feet of water. But it was a reminder to me that I can't get myself out of this. Only God can get me out of this.
I came to realize that if I was in a season of weariness that meant I am still sowing and planting a seed. This is a learning experience. I felt like during my time of being weary my head was down and I needed to look around.
Okay God, show me, what am I meant to see?
Before I was about to make the decision to quit everything. I had coffee with a friend who went through something similar and she told me this, “Mia, you are about to hit a breakthrough. People don’t tell you this part about breakthroughs but it's hard. Breakthrough is not easy and pretty. And it will get very hard, and you will be given the choice to quit, but don't. Don't quit because you will miss it.”
Miss what! Show me, God! I don't want to miss it. I can't go through this and not see you.
I can't quit.
Two weeks later I went on a short but needed vacation and that's where the air was. We stayed in this beautiful little cottage and rode all the rides at hurricane harbor. And it was a good reminder that life is fun. I am brave. God made me brave.
I came back and realized the whole time I was afraid of starting over. This season of weariness was because my spirit could feel a chapter of my life ending and I was mourning it. I was learning discipline and strength for this new season.
The season of joy.
Joy came fast. It went from one moment to the next. The joy that God supplied made all the weariness seem like a twinkle in the eye. The joy is contagious and it is so much better than I could have ever done for myself.
Keep going. Keep living. God has something so great in store for you, if He were to tell you now you wouldn't believe it. I pray that this encourages you to keep going. God loves you and sees you.