Identity
I am definitely one of those people that love personality tests. But honestly, it’s because I don’t know myself very well and I would rather have someone tell me who I am. One of these personality tests described me as a “chameleon.” And for the first time I could put a name to what I had been struggling with my entire life.
When I was in elementary school I remember having this deep desire to have friends, be good at school, and be the teacher's favorite. For some reason I didn’t think being myself was good enough, and I would watch the room intently to see who it was I was wanting to be like. This cute little kid thing ended up following me through middle school and then through high school. Until finally in college is where I spent a lot of “me time”. And I had no idea who I was.
I was a music major in college and I was supposed to be practicing around 5 hours a day, alone, in a practice room. I ate lunch alone, sometimes dinner alone if my studying schedule was crazy. I walked to class alone, and I drove to events alone. I guess this could have been very empowering but for some reason I remember it being very lonely. I love people, and I love talking and there wasn’t a whole lot of that going on. Eventually I joined a worship team where the first time I was able to praise God with my violin. I remember this being the first big step for who I am as a worshiper today. But, sure enough, I started to literally see myself as a violin. This may sound comical but in college one of my professors didn’t really bother to know our names and just knew us by our instrument. So then, I didn’t really see myself as Mia, rather, someone who plays violin.
Then the very end of that year, I remember receiving an email that the violin I was borrowing from school needed to be returned and I was going to have to get my own violin. A few devastating emails later, I was no longer a college student and a violin player. I remember bowing down to the cross during worship crying out to God, “who am I?” “Why would you even give me the ability to play violin if I can’t even afford one!” And in that moment I heard,
”you are Mine, you will worship Me.”
I was shaken to my core. I could see 3 year old Mia not even knowing what a violin is worshiping on stage. I saw 7 year old Mia reaching for a mic just so she could sing to her King. It occurred to me then that God was trying to show me who I was. And for some reason I was convinced I could only worship with who I thought I was. But actually who I really was, was even better than I could fully imagine.
I am a violin player.
I am a worshiper.
I am the daughter of the Most High King.
I am His.
After a few months, miracles, and blessings, I finally had my very own violin. But my heart was in the right position to accept this blessing and not let it consume my identity. I was able to sing on a worship team and not let that consume me. Just know, when I am up there on stage my worship is coming from a place of battle and then victory! I love my “chameleon” trait. It encourages me to be more like Jesus, to be brave like my Mom, and to be a multiplier of worship. There are still days I realize I’ve lost touch with who I am and I need to come back to what the Word says I am. But I will always let those words be enough.
“And I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”
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